Guess what today is?

Eve is officially one month old. I know where did time go, right?

So in the last month I can make an honest assessment that having 3 kids is a whole lot of fun and a ton more work. I guess it doesn't help that I have two big-ish kids home from school, needing their own attention and time...so at times that can be a little overwhelming. But overall the timing couldn't be better. We needed a break from our school routine, I literally could not imagine getting two kiddos off to school on time plus feed, change and love on a baby all before 8 AM. God's timing is ALWAYS perfect - we needed his baby to be born in the summer.

Eve has been our best baby by far. Let's keep that between us mm-k? She cries very little, sleeps all day and is pretty freakin' cute if I may say so myself. Being a mom for the third time has had its ups and downs but I think I've officially gotten the swing of things and with a ton of prayers I'm finally starting to feel like I'm in a groove.

The first two weeks were hard...and not in the sleepless nights, mombie sort of way. But in the my boobs hurt, where is my milk....what is this yellow milk stuff that I keep pumping in VEEERY little amounts kinda way. Truth is my milk never came in... random, right? I mean what mom's milk doesn't came in after two weeks postpartum. This mom's, right here! Let me be real here and tell you the inadequacy that I felt knowing I wasn't able to provide my baby what God created us women to provide to them was HUGE! There was so much shame and feelings of depriving my child that I felt the enemy start using those feelings against me. You can imagine my frustration that each time I pumped all I got was less than 1/2 oz of colostrum, for two whole weeks. I tried teas, oils, cluster pumping - the whole enchilada! My silver lining is at least it was colostrum...which is pretty much the best of the best.
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I remember the Thursday I was scheduled to get an ultrasound to see if by chance there were placental fragments left after delivery (did you know that if there is ANY placenta left in your body after delivery you do not produce milk??? Bananas right??? The body thinks it is still pregnant and will continue to produce colostrum...trippy stuff. Again God is just amazing) I sat in bed pumping. 20 minutes and a few drops of colostrum later in the small pumping bottles and I started sobbing...praying and asking God to take the desire away. If it wasn't in His plan for me to nurse or produce milk to remove the desire I had so bad in my heart and gut to be able to breastfeed my baby.

The boob envy was getting bad ya'll. I kept seeing moms that had recently commented about nursing or random pics pop up on Instagram with pictures of new blogger moms nursing their littles and I was literally jealous. I wanted that bond, I deserved that bond and I could feel anger creep in. After I cried (a lot), I started praying...and I started thanking God, for her. For her health, for her fingers and toes, nose and eyebrows and eyes that can see and ears that can hear. I started thanking God for giving me the natural labor I wanted and another quick recovery. An uncomplicated birth and the ability to see, hug and kiss my other two babies. I wept and I prayed and I thanked Him for blessing me. And asked him to forgive me for disregarding those blessings and getting caught up with the one little thing I was not able to accomplish over those last two weeks.
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The day after my ultrasound, without conclusive answers to why my milk never came in I allowed God to remove my desire. I realized that giving my baby a bottle wasn't making me less of a mom. It wasn't what I wanted but I came to peace with myself and with God and I looked at my baby and thanked Him for her. For my beautiful family and my amazing husband and my tribe at the studio keeping the fort down while I loved on my kids. My tribe in the Facebook group that prayed for me and my friends and family around to help with my other two kiddos.

I realized I had forgotten to count my blessings, and when I finally did God showed up like He always does and wiped my tears and showed me the way to appreciate the gifts that I have been given, with new eyes and a new heart.
Because God is always faithful...and bottle feeding is nothing to be ashamed of.

BE Blessed!

XOXOX!

Marcy